The Fatal ‘Head’ache — X

My approval rating in the team was on the rise. I was no more the person they found “arrogant” and “unapproachable”. Human behaviour is situational. Have you ever wondered why you did not like a person you met the other day, though you don’t know exactly why you didn’t like him? The answer is situation. I was no more an “outsider” thrust on them.

That was just a step towards change, but a significant one nonetheless. And it was enough to increase Nishigandha’s discomfiture. Her desperation within was quite apparent. The number of feedback sessions increased drastically. Happy hours were followed by unhappy hours. Instead of de-stressing us, those sessions actually left us in distress.

One day, at the end of one such session, Nishigandha summoned me to a meeting room to discuss some “very important issues”. As I headed towards the meeting room, I began to recall the chain of events that took place during the session. I was quite sure that this was a post-mortem meeting of that session. I was spot on.

“Did Atiya tell you anything?” Nishigandha asked.

“Tell me about what?” I replied.

“She was a bit depressed after the session,” Nishigandha quipped.

“Why should she be depressed? I just had a chat with her and I didn’t find anything unusual,” I told her.

“Take this as a feedback. You do not observe people closely. She was sad because she didn’t win any of the titles,” Nishigandha guffawed.

During the session, we participated in an event – Nishigandha’s brainchild of course – where we were asked to vote each other on various categories – the most beautiful, the most vivacious et al and of course, the lifeline of the team. As expected Nishigandha secured majority of the votes in this category, but two still dared to vote someone else. Atiya got many votes, but somehow she wasn’t the top vote catcher in any of the categories. Note: I didn’t get a single vote (sad).

“This is too much. It’s a game after all and she isn’t a kid. I know you are a keen observer, but your observations could be wrong,” I remarked.

“Why do you always support Atiya?” she suddenly asked.

“Well it’s not about supporting or not supporting her. If she is being wrongly accused of, I would always protest,” I said.

“Try to recognise your friends and well wishers. Atiya is a shrewd person. She was the one who had created confusion between me and Manjusha. She had actually provoked Meghna to complain against me. Now Meghna has realised her mistake,” she remarked.

“I believe she got her due for that realisation,” I replied instantaneously.

The meeting ended on a bitter note. I looked at my watch. We had just wasted three precious business hours, discussing issues that were not remotely related to the team (one of my readers made a conservative estimate that we used to waste 120 business hours/month discussing trivial issues).

During the discussion, I could sense a change in my attitude. I was no more scared or afraid, not because “I have seen her vulnerable side”, as she used to point out often, but because a rebel had always been within me. “Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs even though chequered by failure, than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat.”

I had left my first job not because I had gotten a better opportunity, but because my mentor had to leave unceremoniously after putting his heart and soul into the organisation for several years and to date he remains my inspiration.

Some corporate leaders often fail to understand control is all about freedom. The more you let go, the more control there is. Everyone must have the freedom to communicate with anyone. It must be safe for everyone to offer ideas. Offering ideas cannot be the privilege of a few seniors.

Nishigandha’s attitude was somewhat similar to those tyrants in world history who once led revolution to create independent nations, assumed its leadership and then left no stones unturned to cling on to it, even at the expense of their own people. They appeared democratic to the outside world but deep within they could not stand a single voice of dissent. And it required another revolution to throw them out.

The picture was getting clearer by the day. I was not in a hurry. It’s quite important to know accurately what needs to be changed before setting out to do so. My impression about the team began to change as well. I realised that it was a good team, contrary to what I had thought earlier, though a diverse one. Diverse teams are prone to dysfunction. But, Nishigandha’s attempt to bring in cohesion through the one-size-fits-all approach ensured that the sum of the parts always remained greater than the whole.

A classic case was Suyash – a bright lad just out of college. Without properly assessing his skill set, he was assigned those projects that had been historically given to all newcomers in the team. It was like asking a debutant top order batsman to be the 12^th man, only because it was his debut match and his seniors should take the field of him regardless of form or ability.

In the meantime, we were on a hiring spree, when the corporate world was taking a cautious view on headcount. It wasn’t because we were short staffed, but because of an individual unbridled ambition. Data was collated to support her view and she got approval for more. The problem with statistics is that “it’s like a bikini – what it reveals is suggestive, what it hides is vital”. A few were just not up to the mark, but were still hired because “they were trainable”. No one knew for sure who’s going to train them, though.

With Nishigandha, the point had always been more important than proving the point. If two team members talk to themselves, they were forming groups. If they came up to her individually to complain against each other, that was sincerity and integrity. Evaluations were based on personal judgements, and promotions and rewards were mere balancing acts, somewhat akin to running a coalition government.

Dear readers, it’s a never-ending story. But, there’s an old saying that a wise man knows where to start as he knows where to stop. So, pretending to be a wise man, I decide to stop here. There’s another hidden motive, though. I am planning to write a bare-all book based on those experiences in a semi-fiction format. And my publisher won’t be too happy, if I reveal all here. But, do comeback for more insightful discussions on issues that matter us the most. Please continue to send in your comments, suggestions and opinions – anonymously or otherwise.

Last but not the least, I am like a falling star who has finally found its place next to another in a lovely constellation, where we will sparkle in the heavens forever. My life as a flower will bloom and prosper as I grow. I may not be the pick of the patch, but I am just as beautiful as the rest. I will stand as one, but not as a lonely soul. The tears will be far from my smile. There’s a thin line between fantasy and reality. Let me be me, not your fantasy.

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